Regis, we have a problem

When we returned to the USA, the one bright spot we really had was that we would be sending Caden to Regis School - a catholic all boys school. We had attended there before we left and were eager to return. Our excitement and hope was sadly misplaced.

School started the second week and January. By January 30, we were walking into a meeting with the heads of administration after already having had a meeting with Caden's teacher. We were extremely concerned about the reported bullying and lack of supervision Caden told us about everyday, and also concerned about his constant complaint of boredom. I had already spoken to several parents in the class and they too told me of problems at recess and PE due to bullying and seemingly lack of supervision.

Scott and I felt better after our meeting with administration (even after the headmistress said she felt Caden was "uppity" since he was so opinionated about not liking the school). We were assured in that meeting there was no bullying taking place, but rather, "typical boy behavior" and
"boys will be boys" behavior. We were also told that the work (specifically the math and reading) would be put at an increased intensity to keep Caden stimulated.

Fast forward a month... I was hearing about the increased intensity of bullying. Other parents and kids were telling me of Caden being thrown against the wall by one of the other children. One boy in Caden's class had (thankfully) become Caden's self-appointed bodyguard. The reports of the playground conjured up visions of gang-type mentality groups of boys terrorizing loners or boys who were different in any way. Our kid met this mark with flying colors. Small (the size of boys two grades below), new, and with strong opinions, Caden doesn't shrink into the background. Recess proved no different. Perhaps being new, Caden wore a big target on his back which resulted in bullying on average three times per week.

The first two months of school literally consisted of Caden crying everyday about going to school (which in turn led me to follow suit as soon as he was out the door). After about two months, he stopped crying and became very stoic about it. It almost seemed like he had just accepted this as his new reality. A good day would be one where he didn't get beat up at recess. Literally. Things such as getting his head squeezed on the slide for some period of time, until he could get away enough to hide under the preK slide until recess was over where he could safely access a teacher, and then going to the nurse's office with a headache and needing bandaids. NOT typical boy behavior when it is happening on a consistent basis.

We were worried enough to pay to have him assessed by an educational psychologist. She found him to be extremely bright with a very high IQ, and "extremely gifted" in math and reading comprehension. She also assured us that he wasn't the only child complaining of bullying at Regis. In fact she believed it to be a bigger problem in the higher grades, which I simply couldn't fathom -- It was going to get worse??!

We had spoken via email and phone with various people at the school throughout this time period with no improvements: none in decreasing bullying, none in increasing academics, none in any of it. It seemed in a class of 8 children, all of these things would be addressed easily in a few days, but we found ourselves out 3 months and not seeing anything change. Academically, Caden had learned virtually nothing, aside from what he self-taught from his books. I was spending an hour a day with him everyday after school working on multiplication, cursive, etc to try to stay ahead of the stagnant learning environment he was in during the day.

After a terrible meeting with the head of the lower school and one of the first grade teachers, we (finally) recognized it wasn't going to change. We offered Caden to stay for the remainder of the semester (approximately 35 days) where he knew everyone, the routine, the work, etc; or he could go to a new school with a much bigger class, with girls (ewwwww!), new teachers, new routines, new everything... He jumped at the opportunity to leave Regis. We enrolled him in the local public school the next day: Valley Oaks Elementary.

Within a week, the teacher, the counselor, and Caden had all communicated how happy they all were to have him in VOE. He remarked on day 3 as we went to school how strange it felt to like going to school and to not be scared. It was without a doubt the happiest day we have had since we returned back to the states. The first day at school he received a reading book appropriate for his level versus one that was a year too young level. Winning on all levels!!

Having a kid bullied at school is a very unsettling feeling. It is hard to discern how much of it is bullying, how much of it is exaggerated, and how much of it more hurt feelings than anything. As a parent, I feel like I let him down. I should have paid more attention to the peripheral behavior which fully supported his story of bullying. I shouldn't have doubted that he was exaggerating, or even listened to administrators when they assured us it wasn't happening. I should have listened to my 7 year old boy - not just his words, but his actions. I should have fought more and perhaps pulled him out earlier. I can't imagine going to school or work everyday with this burning fear of being beat up at recess. I shouldn't have let him have that feeling for as long as he did. A kid is supposed to dread going to school because he doesn't want to sit and do schoolwork, not because he is being beat up at recess. For Caden, it was exactly the opposite. He dreaded going to school and not learning, and then adding insult to injury, getting bullied on the playground.

An update: We felt really let down by everything that happened at that school. A couple of school days after we left, there was a meeting called by the administration for the first grade parents. It just so happened that by that date, five children had been withdrawn from Caden's grade in only that school year. I was reassured that we had made the best decision possible when I learned that one of the mom's that attended the meeting said that all the people who had pulled their children didn't really belong at Regis. Since I don't think my kid should be bullied, and that the academics should be at least at the level of public school's equivalent grade (particularly when I put those things above the prestige of being able to say my kid goes to the private parochial school), I guess she is right. I don't belong at Regis. More importantly, I have learned a very valuable lesson. Go with your gut. It is probably right.